Hello from the other side

I was really craving a good juicy burger this morning, and there’s a fast food place nearby called Farmer Boys that serves up some good grub. I say “fast food” but there’s about a 5-10 minute wait after you order, whether it be through the drive-thru or if you go in at the counter.

Anyways, I got their avocado bacon burger (minus the avocado) and I was so hungry and impatient by the time that it came out that the guy handed me the burger and said “napkins are in the bag” and I said “you too!” as I hurried out the door.

And when I unwrapped that hot delicious burger, I whispered “Hello, it’s me”.

“So here’s my idea: let’s all stop being little fucks.

Respect other people enough to tell them the truth.

If someone makes you happy, tell them. If someone inspires you, tell them. If you’re not interested in someone, please just fucking tell them.

Don’t ignore people until they disappear.

It’s time we grow up and stop leaving people hanging with unanswered texts and cryptic social media posts.

Everyone is human and we’re all just trying to understand one another in this messy dating world, so stop treating a relationship of any kind like it’s a challenge to complete.

Be honest with other people about how you feel, and don’t get so lost in playing the game that you forget to extend that same courtesy to yourself.”

Melissa Moeller - “Why Modern Dating Makes Me Want To Punch Myself In The Throat”

4.21.16

As a kid, I would listen to "Raspberry Beret" and I always thought he was saying "Razz Beautiful Ray". I mean, I'm not even sure I knew what a beret was as a kid, y'know?

To this day, I still sometimes belt out "RAZZ BEAUTIFUL RAY" when I play that song because it seems fitting.

Prince was indeed a beautiful ray.

RIP Prince Rogers Nelson.

4.19.16

Since she knows I used to do wedding videography, a friend enlisted my help in finding a videographer in LA. 

Her wedding is taking place at Wright Ranch in Malibu, in the hills, and overlooks the ocean.

And all I can think about is how I had daydreamed about my would-be wedding in California somewhere. Probably NorCal.

Overlooking the ocean, while our dogs behaved and were a part of the ceremony.

And our families would fly in, and my LA friends who had become my SoCal family, would drive up for the weekend to share the day with us.

And then I shake my head and snap back to reality and I’m super helpful with advice and answering all her questions but seriously, YOU’RE KILLING ME, SMALLS.

“We are not in love. Not the way I’ve been told 
being in love feels like. But we have been sleeping beside each other for so many nights and I am the most beautiful doormat you have ever walked over.”

- Clementine von Radics, “This Is How We Lose Ourselves”

Sometimes I see a selfie post on my dash and I’m whoa how did you take that selfie? Like, you’d have to hold the camera at least 3 feet away from you, with making sure the Earth’s axis is tilted 23.5 degrees from the plane of its orbit around the sun, and I know you didn’t just use a selfie stick.

*whispers* Do you have a FRIEND?!

Control

I was outside with the dogs yesterday, and the wind was just howling.

I could feel my hair blowing around my face, and I was just picturing it flowing slo-mo like supermodel hair.

I ran around with the dogs and they were jumping and barking, and it was so much fun.

However, in reality, my hair was actually probably just limp and lifeless. For the last 5 years, I have experiencing noticeable hair loss and none of the treatments I have tried have helped.

That said, I was envisioning a whole different picture of myself, and that affected how I felt and how I interacted with the dogs.

The other day, I left the house feeling great. I thought I looked pretty - hot even - and I felt fabulous.

That confidence carried over to my interactions with people. I was smiling, I spoke loudly and clearly, I felt like someone noteworthy.

The reality of it, however, was that it was a rainy day and my hair was frizzy and poofy.

It gets so bad that I've referred to it as the "Vietfro".

I did not realize what my hair looked like until I got home and caught my reflection in the mirror.

However, that didn't matter because it was not how I chose to see myself.

If I can't even appreciate myself, what right do I have to expect others to appreciate me?

There are many things in life that we have zero control over.

However, we *do* control how we react to situations.

Why would we ever want to let that control be overtaken and overwhelmed by negativity?

I control my own happiness. And so do you.

I googled “best lingerie for petite women”

... because sometimes a lady wants to feel sexy. And so, the article said something about how you’re supposed to find lingerie that emphasizes your best features and I’m uhmmm I once ate a whole pizza by myself?

Dating is kinda like going to the shelter for a new pet

You pick from critters whose previous owners abused or neglected or didn’t want them.

The young pretty fun-looking ones are rare because that’s what most people want.

And you usually go home with a sweet looking one that maaaaaaybe ok and pray to the Gods he doesn’t shit on you and everything you hold dear.

Mo Money Mo Money Mo Money!

I don't eat out at restaurants very much anymore but when I do, I always try to tip really well.

It's not because I have money. I live in a tiny old trailer in the middle of nowhere. I don't have an oven or stove. I bake in a small convection toaster oven and I cook on hot plates.

It's not only when I have a great server either. If anything, I tip well especially when I have bad service. And it really irks me when people say stuff like, "I'm only leaving a tiny tip because our server was so bad."

See, my thinking is that servers usually have a sucky job with sucky pay where they have to suck up to people for tips. And sometimes someone just might be having a really shitty day, which naturally might affect their performance. 

Imagine what a difference it would make to receive a generous tip. It might be the thing that turns their whole outlook around. It might change how they do their job. It might completely make their day or even week.

Some people may argue that if it's someone's job to serve, they should be expected to do it and do it well. The whole if I don't do MY job, I'll get fired so why should I cut anyone else any slack?

You should do so simply because you're a decent human being. If you don't do anything to help bring about a change, nothing will change.

In a somewhat related note, I was reminded of a "Louie" episode today where Louis CK has a talk with his daughter. 

He tells her, "The only time you should look into your neighbor's bowl is to make sure they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them."

We should really treat each other better.

My Childhood Daydream

When I was little, I wanted my life to be like The Golden Girls. A bunch of gal pals living together, each doing their own thing.

We’d date and do whatever with guys but at the end of the day, we would know that we always had a safe place to call home that we shared with sisterfriends. And these were the ladies who would be with us until the end.

No man to answer to, no need to do anything we didn’t want to do. We would enjoy life with all of its ups and downs and never be alone because we had each other.

Of course, we could all take turns being strong-like-bull Dorothy or snarky Sophia or sexy Blanche or sweet Rose, because as women, we have a bit of each of the characters within us.

Dorothy in the streets. Blanche in the sheets.

That would still be my dream scenario even after all these years because quite honestly, boys have cooties and are annoying. But boys will be boys. And that wouldn’t even matter if we could only prevent girls from being girls.

Good Night Moon

So, I step outside to retrieve all the bags out from my car and am completely stopped in my tracks by the moon. Have you seen it tonight? There she is right in front of me, half her shape surrounded by this soft off yellow glow. 

And there are all these fireflies constantly trying distract me, but I just stood there staring up at that moon because at that moment, I didn't want to see anything else.

So, if you stepped outside this very moment, you could be gazing upon the same very moon as I, and suddenly the distance that separates us all does not seem so significant.

It's the Good Stuff

Instead of catching up on GoT last night, I took an evening walk with Brody and Daisy. Brody likes to run ahead and scout out the area while Daisy just looks at me all wide-eyed. It’s ok though because she’s all but 5lbs and she cries whenever I leave the house.

There were crickets and frogs that were singing me a song while bats flew overhead. And there were the occasional weird owl sounds and a faint yip in the distance that could’ve been a coyote or just a dog. It doesn’t matter which though because HELLO did you see that mofo of a spider I killed earlier? 

Truth be told, the only creatures I fear are the 2-legged kind. But I fear them less and less with each passing day.

I like standing there and just staring up at the night sky and as each minute passes, the stars get brighter and brighter and the darkness doesn’t seem so intimidating.

Isn’t it just amazing that we’re all just star matter and our bodies came from a star that freakin’ exploded? “We are in the universe and the universe is in us.” Good stuff.

Tonight was a reminder for me that you’re incredible, I’m incredible, life is incredible and the coolest thing is that the very best memories have yet to be made. I’m pretty freakin excited. Are you? If not, you should be.

I Had A Dream Last Night

And in it, we were running. And sometimes we were running together, sometimes I was running to you, and sometimes I was running away from you.

And your face was mostly blurred out and every time I could make out a facial detail, that’s when you’d start running away and I’d have to chase you.

All the running got tiring but it was a dream so I never broke a sweat, I just grew really annoyed. And at one point, I do remember you saying, “all this running is stupid” and I probably agreed.

Then we were in this room full of pizza and we were naked. WE WERE EATING PIZZA NAKED. And god, there was just every type of pizza imaginable. And I think I said, “that looks fucking delicious” and by ‘that’ I probably meant ‘you’ because we then did very bad things on that pizza. But it was so good.

Then Freddie Prinze Jr. was in the dream and I remember asking him, “do you even make movies anymore? Buffy is still freakin hot” so that was weird. Like having sex on pizza wasn’t weird.

The rest I don’t really remember except for right before I woke up. We were really high above this river and this waterfall thing and were trying to cross this old bridge that looked it was going to crumble any second. I was terrified because I’m scared of heights in general, but I tried to keep my cool because I knew I had to make it across.

I told you, “I’m going to fall” and you told me “fine. Just let go” so at one point I did just let go. And I started falling and it was the loveliest feeling.

But then I realized you were stupid to tell me to let go, and I was going to die so I told myself I needed to fly but remembered I didn’t know how. But you know what? After several frustrating failed attempts to fly, I told myself to just do it and there I was, flying.

So I ran, had pizza, had sex on pizza, and then flew. Also, I now want to watch old BtVS episodes.

-smh-

First, there’s a hungry chick setting fire to the rain. Then, there’s a girl giant who has her feet on the ground but her head in the clouds. Oh, and she’s on fire. Now, we’re putting our hands up in the air because suck it, ceiling.

Worst.Lyrics.Ever.

Love

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

 - Kurt Vonnegut

Awkward is Awkward

I despise bras. It especially seems pointless to have to put on a bra under a big bulky sweatshirt. But, I do it because what if it’s that one time when there’s a fluke robbery/hostage situation and they shout “Everyone empty your pockets and strip down!” and I’m “yeah … no.”

Awkward.

You and I

Some of the best conversations I've ever had with you are the ones in my head, with words that will never actually be said.

Yugen

"It’s not that we are better than the universe, we are part of the universe. We are in the universe and the universe is in us." - Neil deGrasse Tyson

I Am Legend

My dogs wink at me sometimes, and I always wink back. You know, in case it's a code or something.

Side story : The moment when I saw someone wink with one eye, then the other, totally changed my life. I can't recall exactly how old I was, but I'm guessing I was maybe 5? 

I devoted several days to perfecting the double wink and when I did, I was so proud of myself and felt like I was invincible and could do anything.

I'm pretty sure it was not long after this that I accidentally bent a spoon for the first time.  It was at that point I may or may not have also believed that I quite possibly had super powers.

I was a silly kid with an incredible imagination that could not be contained and dreams that could not be restrained. It saddens me that I've lost so much of that optimism and youthful hope. I suppose that happens as we get older. Truth be told, I feel rather defeated and tired so many days and it would be so nice to re-capture that feeling of invincibility, if only for a moment.