Fall, Colors & Jason Bateman

So, as I was driving home down the backcountry roads and admiring all the beautiful Autumn foliage, I couldn't help but wonder why it is that leaves get to turn such beautiful shades right before they wither and die. I mean, how completely amazing would it be for us as humans to exist in our most beautiful form right before we die? 

Instead, as we age, we lose color where we were once so vibrant, and bits and pieces start breaking down before completely failing. Well, except for Jason Bateman ... but that's just because he sold his soul to the debil.

Saved

I was introduced to Shelley Segal's music recently, and fell in love with this song. She is true talent. Give it a listen, yeah?

Lyrics:
Say that I need to be saved
Say with me the devil's got his way
I want to know how when you are praying
And when you are doomsdaying
How you think you know that someone is listening to what you are saying

CHORUS
So you think that you
Can tell us how to live our lives
Never questioning the source from which your moral code derives
You think that suffering is part of some great plan that's been devised
I wonder, I wonder
When we'll be rid of your lies

Say I need to hear the truth
A sales-pitch of eternal life and eternal youth
All these blessings you are bestowing
Upon the one you say is all-knowing
Are they really deserved if He is sending me where you say I am going?

CHORUS
So you think that you
Can tell us how to live our lives
Never questioning the source from which your moral code derives
You think that suffering is part of some great plan that's been devised
I wonder, I wonder, I wonder, I wonder

What will it take for you
To start opening your eyes
To start questioning the bullshit everyone around you buys
You think it's any of your business what goes on between my thighs?
I wonder, I wonder,
When we'll be rid of your lies

Just Say No

So, I was in town yesterday and saw one of the most horrific things in the world. ...which is saying a whole lot since I live in Mississippi.

Standing in front of me in line was this kid in the skinniest jeans ever known to man. Super tight at the legs, and some weird shape in the ass. I can't even say it was baggy. It was like someone fluffed it up and then repeatedly punched it with ghey.

 At first, I thought it was a girl with a short haircut but when he turned around to ask what his date wanted, my eyes got really big when I realized that the "she" was in actuality a "he".

Why the hell can't men/boys just wear regular jeans? You know, the kind that make men look like men and not like some lesbian waitress like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman 3?

There's no need to wear jeans so baggy that I can see your undies. There is no need to wear jeans so tight that I can hear your poor bubbles screaming from across the state line. And certainly, there is no need to ever ever ever wear jeans that are pink, red, turquoise, yellow, green, teal, purple, or orange. 

Rule of thumb : Men, if it looks like you borrowed jeans from your sister who's in junior high, don't dewwww eeeeet! Abort! Abort!

Run Forrest, Run!

Cat dander. Pollen. Exercise. I seem to be allergic to all three.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I haven't tried exercising. It's just that after a few minutes on the treadmill or Elliptical, I can't help but be overwhelmed with boredom. I mean, why am I running?! If some psycho was chasing me, sure, I'd at least break a sweat before I gave up. But running in place? It seems pointless.

Tall Men - Petite Women

In general, women are attracted to tall men. I get it. I mean, our primitive minds, fueled by the instinct to procreate, usually link height and size with a better chance of keeping our species alive.

So usually, I find taller men more attractive than shorter men. It's not always the case, but if all other factors are the same, the taller man usually has an edge.

Likewise, tall men sometimes are attracted to petite women. Perhaps it makes them feel more of a protector and more manly. Maybe a petite woman just appears more feminine versus a tall amazonian woman, who is more of a physical equal.

Or ... perhaps it's because in those petite small hands, any dick looks HUGE.

The end.

The Cake Is A Lie

I'm a big fan of both cake and asparagus, so I find this to be absolutely brilliant.

The first time I ate asparagus was a few years ago. I have no idea how I made it through life with never trying this stuff. I'm guessing it's because it was a bit too pricy for us to eat when I was growing up and fortunately, Mom never fed us the canned version (which I recently discovered has the consistency of baby food and the taste of ass).

So, I see some Food Network chef grilling asparagus and thought "hey, this stuff is pricy. It's gotta be good, right?"

After a quick pee, I thought I was DYING, no lie. I told D "omg, I think I'm sick or something? My body has been infected by asparagus!"

Supposedly, only a percentage of the human population produces the foul smell and another portion can identify the smell. Apparently, I am so lucky to be able to do both. I'm special like that.  :P

How High Is Too High?

Do you ever wonder how many people have masturbated to your photo? Or at least fantasized about you?

Because seriously, if you're an attractive woman or man, the number could be surprising. That quiet guy who never made eye contact with you? Fap. That young cousin on mom's side? Prolly fapped to you. That weird neighbor across the street? fap.fap.fap. Add all of social media to the mix and it's FAP city.

But what is a realistic number though for a year? Is it 7? Is it 700?

You don't want the number to be too low. But then again, you don't want it to be extremely high either. I mean, then it just starts feeling creepy.

What do YOU think a respectable FAP number is for a year's time?


P.S. Yes, this post is ridiculous and I question why I typed it out. I don't even know if many grown adults still fap to photos of people when porn is so readily available, but it gave me a chance to type "fap" a whole lot and really, isn't that a good enough reason?