Just Say No

So, I was in town yesterday and saw one of the most horrific things in the world. ...which is saying a whole lot since I live in Mississippi.

Standing in front of me in line was this kid in the skinniest jeans ever known to man. Super tight at the legs, and some weird shape in the ass. I can't even say it was baggy. It was like someone fluffed it up and then repeatedly punched it with ghey.

 At first, I thought it was a girl with a short haircut but when he turned around to ask what his date wanted, my eyes got really big when I realized that the "she" was in actuality a "he".

Why the hell can't men/boys just wear regular jeans? You know, the kind that make men look like men and not like some lesbian waitress like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman 3?

There's no need to wear jeans so baggy that I can see your undies. There is no need to wear jeans so tight that I can hear your poor bubbles screaming from across the state line. And certainly, there is no need to ever ever ever wear jeans that are pink, red, turquoise, yellow, green, teal, purple, or orange. 

Rule of thumb : Men, if it looks like you borrowed jeans from your sister who's in junior high, don't dewwww eeeeet! Abort! Abort!

Run Forrest, Run!

Cat dander. Pollen. Exercise. I seem to be allergic to all three.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I haven't tried exercising. It's just that after a few minutes on the treadmill or Elliptical, I can't help but be overwhelmed with boredom. I mean, why am I running?! If some psycho was chasing me, sure, I'd at least break a sweat before I gave up. But running in place? It seems pointless.

Tall Men - Petite Women

In general, women are attracted to tall men. I get it. I mean, our primitive minds, fueled by the instinct to procreate, usually link height and size with a better chance of keeping our species alive.

So usually, I find taller men more attractive than shorter men. It's not always the case, but if all other factors are the same, the taller man usually has an edge.

Likewise, tall men sometimes are attracted to petite women. Perhaps it makes them feel more of a protector and more manly. Maybe a petite woman just appears more feminine versus a tall amazonian woman, who is more of a physical equal.

Or ... perhaps it's because in those petite small hands, any dick looks HUGE.

The end.

The Cake Is A Lie

I'm a big fan of both cake and asparagus, so I find this to be absolutely brilliant.

The first time I ate asparagus was a few years ago. I have no idea how I made it through life with never trying this stuff. I'm guessing it's because it was a bit too pricy for us to eat when I was growing up and fortunately, Mom never fed us the canned version (which I recently discovered has the consistency of baby food and the taste of ass).

So, I see some Food Network chef grilling asparagus and thought "hey, this stuff is pricy. It's gotta be good, right?"

After a quick pee, I thought I was DYING, no lie. I told D "omg, I think I'm sick or something? My body has been infected by asparagus!"

Supposedly, only a percentage of the human population produces the foul smell and another portion can identify the smell. Apparently, I am so lucky to be able to do both. I'm special like that.  :P

How High Is Too High?

Do you ever wonder how many people have masturbated to your photo? Or at least fantasized about you?

Because seriously, if you're an attractive woman or man, the number could be surprising. That quiet guy who never made eye contact with you? Fap. That young cousin on mom's side? Prolly fapped to you. That weird neighbor across the street? fap.fap.fap. Add all of social media to the mix and it's FAP city.

But what is a realistic number though for a year? Is it 7? Is it 700?

You don't want the number to be too low. But then again, you don't want it to be extremely high either. I mean, then it just starts feeling creepy.

What do YOU think a respectable FAP number is for a year's time?


P.S. Yes, this post is ridiculous and I question why I typed it out. I don't even know if many grown adults still fap to photos of people when porn is so readily available, but it gave me a chance to type "fap" a whole lot and really, isn't that a good enough reason?

Ants, Terrorism & Memes

An absolutely brilliant TED video on dangerous means.


Starting with the simple tale of an ant, philosopher Dan Dennett unleashes a devastating salvo of ideas, making a powerful case for the existence of memes -- concepts that are literally alive.

The Lady and the Reaper

"The Lady and the Reaper"

Written and directed by Javier Recio Gracia

I came across this video today and was expecting to be weeping. Instead, I laughed and found it to be quite brilliant and well done.

Storyline : A sweet old lady is living alone in her farm, waiting for the arrival of death to meet her beloved husband again.

The older I get, the more I am convinced that there is no afterlife. Do I rule it out completely? Of course not. However, so many things point towards this being our only shot at life. No 72 virgins in an afterlife paradise. No embracing Jesus as our Bridegroom in heaven (do men also hope to be the Bride of Christ?). 

And unfortunately, no reuniting with family members and friends who have passed away. It makes me sad, but it also allows me to fully appreciate people every day, while they are still with me. Besides, the thought of sucking Jesus's dick for all of eternity doesn't seem appealing to me. At all.

Say Cheese!

Stumbled upon this link today to a set of photos taken by a father who not only loves to take photos of his kids, but he makes it a point to do it in the most creative ways.

Check out more of his artwork here : http://forums.themavesite.com/index.php?topic=12782.0

Black Pudding

So, I was watching a show last night and there was mention of black pudding. I thought "hey, that sounds awesome!" Well, that is until I used the magical powers of Google to see what it actually was. 

According to wikipedia :

Black pudding, blood pudding or blood sausage is a type of sausage made by cooking blood or dried blood with a filler until it is thick enough to congeal when cooled. The dish exists in various cultures from Asia to Europe. Pig, cattle, sheep, duck and goat blood can be used depending on different countries.

 Now, don't get me wrong. This might very well be the best tasting sausage out there but unfortunately I was completely squicked out. Perhaps it had to do with the photos that I pulled up from Google images. Or the fact that I'm not a fan of sausages to begin with.

OH that's right. It has everything to do with the fact that ma feed us RAW BLOOD SOUP when I was a child. She fed us tiết canh, which is a vietnamese duck blood soup and tried to pretend it was something else. I recall asking what it was and she replied with "Eat it. It's good for you!"

I can't remember what happened after that, so I'm pretty sure I passed out from the awesomeness or just blocked out the horrible memory. One of those most definitely happened.

Who Doesn't Want Longer, Fuller Eyelashes?

I keep seeing these advertisements for Latisse (made by the same company who brought you Botox), an eyelash growth product. It's usually an ad with actress Claire Danes and boasts to result in fuller, longer, thicker, and luscious lashes after only 16 weeks.

The down side? It's $120 per 3ml bottle and OH YEAH, the side effects. In some users, there is reported in unusual darkening of the eyelid and/or iris, itchy and/or red eyes, the growth of hair growing in other areas, etc. Sounds lovely, right?

I decided to surf a little and see what the Interwebz could tell me the truth about eyelashes and wasn't too surprised to find out that there's not too much that you can do, outside of eating healthier.

I did come across many different sources claiming that lubricating your lashes helps a bit. Apparently, many women apply a thin layer of vaseline, castor oil, olive oil, or Vitamin E oil onto their lashes before bed. The idea is that this helps to keep eyelashes from becoming dry and brittle.

I even found this adorable little Youtube video :

So really, the point of this blog post is to not persuade you to not try Latisse, or even to inform you about a little trick to condition your eyelashes. The whole point of this post was to get to this last part where I say HOLY SHIT, AN EIGHT YEAR OLD KID KNOWS MORE ABOUT MAKEUP THAN I DO!

Love-Hate Relationship

While I appreciate nice sunny days, I absolutely hate the heat. I despise hot summers even more now that I've moved to the South where humidity is high and mosquitoes always seem to want a taste. I always say that you can always add as many layers as needed during the cold months to keep warm and cozy, but there is only so much clothing you can take off you are completely naked ... and STILL SWEATING.

I'm seriously considering moving to Canada. I hear the people are generally nice, people actually get the health care they need. Oh, and poutine. There is poutine for everyone!

The Ultimate Betrayal

Dear Sixteen-Year-Old Me

This video made me cry. Fuck cancer.

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted

I remember going to the mall with one of D's friends and the guy was all excited about a hat that he found at American Eagle. It was a fitted baseball cap which was pretty cute, but it was in the "frayed" style which basically made it look like it had been used as a chew toy by one of his dogs.

I'm a big fan of used (vintage or "recycled" clothing) and understand the need for comfortable wear that has been broken in but what exactly is the appeal of purchasing NEW clothing that looks OLD? Maybe I'm just from another time where new clothing should look ... well, new.

Anyways, $1624 for a ripped, fugly old tee shirt that looks like it got into a battle with a lawnmower and lost? No thanks. If this price tag looks appealing to you, I have tons of used clothing that I'd be more than willing to sell you at a super redonk price. No lie.

Ever Wonder What 300 Acres of Marijuana Looks Like?

This photo is from an army helicopter flying over the biggest marijuana plantation found in Mexico, in San Quintin, about 350 km away from Tijuana, on July 13, 2011. Mexican soldiers discovered the plantation in a remote desert surrounded by cacti, a top army officer said on Thursday.

Soldiers patrolling the area found 300 acres (120 hectares) of pot plants being tended by dozens of men on Tuesday, said General Alfonso Duarte. He said the crop, which was found in the state of Baja California, about 200 miles/320 km south of San Diego, California, would have yielded about 120 tonnes and was worth about $160 million.

I See White People

A YouTube video uploaded in 2009 showed a webcam, identified as being an HP model, failing to follow a face when the person on-screen was black. When a white woman stepped in front of the same camera, the facial-tracking system appeared to begin working properly.

"I think my blackness is interfering with the computer's ability to follow me," Desi Cryer said. "I'm going on record and I'm saying it: Hewlett-Packard computers are racist."

HP acknowledged in a statement e-mailed to CNN that the cameras may have issues with contrast recognition in certain lighting situations. The webcams, built into HP's new computers, are supposed to keep people's faces and bodies in proportion and centered on the screen as they move.

Happy Birthday to Moi!

Today is my birthday and for once, I'm not all bummed about it. I *should* be considering that I'm getting older, but this year has been such a mindfuck that I'm grateful just to be here.

I called my mom and talked to her for a little bit. She told me the story of my birth. Apparently, I was born sometime around 4-5AM and it was such a difficult birth since I had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. Interesting thing was that D came out of his mother the same way. What are the chances, right?

Chocolate Mayonnaise Cake

via : Deborah Amrine Prep Time: 15 Minutes Cook Time: 30 Minutes Ready In: 45 Minutes Servings: 9

INGREDIENTS:

2 cups all-purpose flour 1 cup sugar 3 tablespoons baking cocoa 2 teaspoons baking soda 1 cup water 1 cup mayonnaise

1 teaspoon vanilla extract BROWN SUGAR FROSTING: 1/4 cup butter or margarine 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 2 tablespoons milk 1 3/4 cups sifted confectioners' sugar

DIRECTIONS:

1.	In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, sugar, cocoa and baking soda. Add water, mayonnaise and vanilla; beat at medium speed until thoroughly combined. Pour into greased 9-in. square or 11-in. x 7-in. x 2-in. baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees F for 30-35 minutes or until cake tests done. Cool completely.
2.	For frosting, melt butter in a saucepan. Stir in brown sugar; cook and stir until bubbly. Remove from the heat and stir in milk. Gradually add confectioners' sugar; beat by hand until frosting is of spreading consistency. Immediately frost cake.